Trauma. Sink or Swim. Not kid friendly.

  

I will rise above all the hardships placed in my way, even when I feel like there is an anchor weighing me down trying to keep me from doing so. Instead, I'll tell myself over and over that that anchor is keeping me from sinking - letting me rise above all the hate, the drama, the judgement.

I always wonder how people can judge me when they don't know me anymore. I wonder often where I went wrong; what it is that changed me so much so that I don't want people to know me anymore. But slowly, it all comes crashing down around me - the reasons: I was constantly being told not to talk about certain things because it made people uncomfortable; because they aren't things most people go through, or live with, or can handle talking about. I got tired of feeling like I was wrong for talking about the things that have happened to me. So slowly, I let people go. Whether I pushed them away, or whatever it was that happened, I just let go.

I held on tightly to those who could accept hearing about what I needed to talk about. That was how I knew how to cope - just talking about it. Here I am, 3 years later and sometimes STILL talking about it is the only way I can cope with the trauma, the tragedy.

Rape. Domestic Violence; attacked; choked; damn near suffocating. It's not easy to hear about, and I laugh a little bit at the fact that people didn't want to hear about it. They don't wanna hear about it? Well fuck, I don't want to have to LIVE with it. I've finally accepted that I can't help myself, though. I can't just talk about it to the close few - and release the feelings on the Internet. 

I've accepted that counseling is in my near future. I've been asked probably over 100 times why I haven't gone to counseling, or "gotten help" - there is no easy concrete answer. Just talking about it with people I know, that's one thing. Counseling is a whole different level. It's accepting the true severity of what happened. It's going to a professional and looking them in the eye and facing things that I'd love to bury six feet under.

But, I refuse to sink. So, I will get help. I will talk to a professional and I will seek whatever it is I need to truly accept that as my past. It's hard to feel like it's a part of my past, when it's always so fresh in my head. Or when I have nightmares about either incident. 

But it's time to sink.......or just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming. ♥