Demons.

One day, I posted a status on Facebook quoting a song called "D3MONS" by Machine Gun Kelly. "Please God, Tell these demons to stop fucking with me." I remember being told to try listening to different music or something - but the quote was me truly asking God to make the demons I face to stop fucking with me that night.

I remember explaining that and being asked "you have demons?" But when I offered to explain those demons - they never responded. I feel my rape/rapist is a demon. I feel the morning I attacked in my sleep, where I almost lost my life - is another demon I face. Maybe it's not the same type of demons other people face, but they're my own personal demons.

There are nights, like tonight, when I close my eyes but I can't sleep - because those demons, are in my mind. Not letting me rest, not leaving me alone. I wish they would just leave me alone. I recently came to terms with the fact that I have to get all of these things outside of my head in order for them to ever leave me alone. I also have accepted, like I said in my first blog, that I will have to eventually talk to a professional. I believe I'll be able to do that soon, in fact, since I should now qualify for health insurance again.

I wish that when I had been raped, I had reported it. I regret that I didn't do so; but I was afraid, you hear all the stories about the victim being blamed or not being believed or taken seriously and I feared that so, so much. I remember how much I changed right after it happened - how worried people were about me. And then, when I finally got the courage to tell people, my family especially, they stuck by my side. Believed in me. Wished I had done things differently but it didn't change their love for me.

I remember, after it happened, what he said to me. The cops wouldn't believe me - look at how I was dressed, besides, I was the one who was at his apartment watching a movie. No one would believe me, they'd think I was a slut, they'd call me crazy, he'd get his brothers to cover and say they were there and I was lying. He manipulated me into not telling.

I regret that; but I can't change it. I can only change how I live with it and let it effect me now. I have said before that I can't wait for the day I no longer feel like his victim, and I can feel it: that day is coming soon. Maybe not in a week, maybe not in two weeks, but I know that I'm on the verge of coming out on top. I may not be able to change what happened, but I will rise above this.

There it is, one of my demons, laid out on the table. Getting it out was the first step. I may not have put every last bit out, but I am getting there and I am proud to say that I am.