Stay, stay, stay. I've been loving you for quite some time.

So if it isn't insomnia, it's nightmares that keep me awake. I read somewhere the other day that our dreams/nightmares are things forgotten that are screaming for our help. It has given me a lot to think about in regards to my night terrors/bad dreams, whatever it happens to be.

I felt so safe with him; not a single nightmare any night we spent the night together and he always kept me smiling. It frustrates me that I couldn't make him understand that when I said I would be his girlfriend, I was accepting him just the way he is. I still do accept the way he is. Of course, given that he won't give me the time of day, I really need to stop thinking about it - but when someone feels so right, when they make you feel exactly as you know you should, how are  you supposed to let go?

I don't buy that "he's just not that into you" bull and I don't believe that he just magically stopped caring. What is so hard to understand about: "I accept you for who you are, the good, the bad, the flaws - all of it." Why wasn't that enough?   If only he could hear me out, really, truly get that with him it could never be called settling because he was all I wanted, just the way he was..the way he is. There isn't anything that could change that. 

Why can't it be easier? Why does it have to hurt like this? Maybe I've been goin back too much lately, when time stood still, and I had you ....  Come back, come back to me like you could if you'd just say you're sorry; I know we could work it out somehow.

Are you reading my blog?

I was just talking to a friend about how I was feeling a little self conscious about my writing since I haven't had anyone comment or anything. Well, just to let all of you reading know: you can ask me almost anything and I will answer it. Whether you want an explanation, are just curious and want to know more about something-really, anything, I am more than happy to answer.

I am writing in this to get it off my chest; the reason it's public and out there for people to read is because I want to be able to explain or answer or speak with whoever has any interest. 

You can ask here or you can ask on the entry you have a question about; it doesn't have to be a question though. You can just tell me whatever it is you feel like telling me after you read it; whatever sparks in you.

Much love to you all ♡

simple thoughts of a loner☮(completely re-written)

I never really thought I'd end up completely rewriting a blog entry. But I reread it and felt like it was way all over the place and not what I wanted at all.

True friendship is so precious; it's amazing what real friendships can survive. When you find people who accept you with everything that comes with you; with all the bullshit & pain; with the heartache and intense past; that's when you know you've found true friends. I'm happier with my handful of true friends than I could ever be with a hundred "friends" - who didn't really know me & who I didn't really know.

Friendship is definitely not about who you've known the longest. It's about who will be by your side when no one else is and who won't leave, even if you tell them to, when they know you shouldn't be alone. I feel so blessed to be able to say I have friends like this. 

I've always been different; I've never had a problem staying in, reading a book while people are out partying. I like to be alone, sometimes I need to be alone. It's not that I don't love my people, I just love my time with my books, my music, and/or my writing.

Reading is such a beautiful, precious part of my life. Books are so amazing; what they can offer - what they can teach you. They can be an escape from reality, they can help you understand your reality, or someone else's. I just wish more people loved reading the way I do. There are so many amazing books and authors; I wish I could have them all. 

Some books are my like my best friends. I can read them over and over and never get tired of it: of course, the entire Harry Potter series are definitely in this category. I love getting to know characters, some books I've read so much that I really feel like I know them. Books can never ditch you, hurt your feelings, or stab you in the back. I love it. 

but dear God, can you forgive me for the sinning? Wish I could rewind those hours and get my life back

I'm feeling really good today. Earlier today my anxiety was bugging me, but I got the medicine I needed and it's doing exactly what it's supposed to! yay! 

It's a pretty quiet Saturday at home. I'm hanging out with my absolute best friend, Adam :) We're just chilling and watchig tv. I'm feeling a litttle spoiled, he bought me my guilty pleasure! Monster Energy Drink, yum!

It's now very early Sunday morning and insomnia has taken over. Needless to say, I am mildly frustrated. I am glad I got to hang out with Adam tonight, and that Brittany and I were able to rekindle our friendship.

Writers block, FUCK.

Just what I don't need right now.

Ugh, more later

Demons.

One day, I posted a status on Facebook quoting a song called "D3MONS" by Machine Gun Kelly. "Please God, Tell these demons to stop fucking with me." I remember being told to try listening to different music or something - but the quote was me truly asking God to make the demons I face to stop fucking with me that night.

I remember explaining that and being asked "you have demons?" But when I offered to explain those demons - they never responded. I feel my rape/rapist is a demon. I feel the morning I attacked in my sleep, where I almost lost my life - is another demon I face. Maybe it's not the same type of demons other people face, but they're my own personal demons.

There are nights, like tonight, when I close my eyes but I can't sleep - because those demons, are in my mind. Not letting me rest, not leaving me alone. I wish they would just leave me alone. I recently came to terms with the fact that I have to get all of these things outside of my head in order for them to ever leave me alone. I also have accepted, like I said in my first blog, that I will have to eventually talk to a professional. I believe I'll be able to do that soon, in fact, since I should now qualify for health insurance again.

I wish that when I had been raped, I had reported it. I regret that I didn't do so; but I was afraid, you hear all the stories about the victim being blamed or not being believed or taken seriously and I feared that so, so much. I remember how much I changed right after it happened - how worried people were about me. And then, when I finally got the courage to tell people, my family especially, they stuck by my side. Believed in me. Wished I had done things differently but it didn't change their love for me.

I remember, after it happened, what he said to me. The cops wouldn't believe me - look at how I was dressed, besides, I was the one who was at his apartment watching a movie. No one would believe me, they'd think I was a slut, they'd call me crazy, he'd get his brothers to cover and say they were there and I was lying. He manipulated me into not telling.

I regret that; but I can't change it. I can only change how I live with it and let it effect me now. I have said before that I can't wait for the day I no longer feel like his victim, and I can feel it: that day is coming soon. Maybe not in a week, maybe not in two weeks, but I know that I'm on the verge of coming out on top. I may not be able to change what happened, but I will rise above this.

There it is, one of my demons, laid out on the table. Getting it out was the first step. I may not have put every last bit out, but I am getting there and I am proud to say that I am. 

All roads they lead me here..

Isn't it amazing how you can put so much trust, so much faith, and so much caring into someone only for them to drop you so fast you couldn't even process it. I never thought that my heart was so invested, never knew he'd hurt me like this. It had taken me years to feel that way again - and then poof. Gone. Done. 

I wonder what I did wrong. I wonder if I could ever make you come back to me; and then I want to slap myself. I shouldn't have to make you come back to me. It was always you, and I'm done. I refuse to let myself get hurt anymore. How do I let go, how do I move on? I just wanted you - I was willing to do anything and you didn't even care. Why, why, why...

I wish I knew what else to say; all I know is I can't wait to no longer feel this heartache.

I wake up screaming in my sleep every fucking night.

My anxiety just gets worse and worse. It's becoming almost unbearable. There is no better way to describe it then "anxiety tightens my throat like a hiccup, thinkin about all the things in my past I can't get rid of" - it literally causes me physical pain. My body tightens up and I just feel about to rip out of my skin. It's so unbelievable, I haven't had any issues with my anxiety this intense is three years. 

I can't even figure out what's triggering them, there isn't a common denominator and the really bad spells that I've been having. It is making me wish I had health insurance because I really feel like I need to see a doctor. I try to do all the natural remedies and the different things I know can calm me down but it's not cutting it. I'm so fed up. It does tend to happen more frequently when I'm having my depression spells but sometimes I'm perfectly happy and will have anxiety problems. 

I just feel lost. I'm stuck and I'm not sure what to do anymore. 

Trauma. Sink or Swim. Not kid friendly.

  

I will rise above all the hardships placed in my way, even when I feel like there is an anchor weighing me down trying to keep me from doing so. Instead, I'll tell myself over and over that that anchor is keeping me from sinking - letting me rise above all the hate, the drama, the judgement.

I always wonder how people can judge me when they don't know me anymore. I wonder often where I went wrong; what it is that changed me so much so that I don't want people to know me anymore. But slowly, it all comes crashing down around me - the reasons: I was constantly being told not to talk about certain things because it made people uncomfortable; because they aren't things most people go through, or live with, or can handle talking about. I got tired of feeling like I was wrong for talking about the things that have happened to me. So slowly, I let people go. Whether I pushed them away, or whatever it was that happened, I just let go.

I held on tightly to those who could accept hearing about what I needed to talk about. That was how I knew how to cope - just talking about it. Here I am, 3 years later and sometimes STILL talking about it is the only way I can cope with the trauma, the tragedy.

Rape. Domestic Violence; attacked; choked; damn near suffocating. It's not easy to hear about, and I laugh a little bit at the fact that people didn't want to hear about it. They don't wanna hear about it? Well fuck, I don't want to have to LIVE with it. I've finally accepted that I can't help myself, though. I can't just talk about it to the close few - and release the feelings on the Internet. 

I've accepted that counseling is in my near future. I've been asked probably over 100 times why I haven't gone to counseling, or "gotten help" - there is no easy concrete answer. Just talking about it with people I know, that's one thing. Counseling is a whole different level. It's accepting the true severity of what happened. It's going to a professional and looking them in the eye and facing things that I'd love to bury six feet under.

But, I refuse to sink. So, I will get help. I will talk to a professional and I will seek whatever it is I need to truly accept that as my past. It's hard to feel like it's a part of my past, when it's always so fresh in my head. Or when I have nightmares about either incident. 

But it's time to sink.......or just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming. ♥